The Secret to a Perfect Marriage? Work.

Pictured above: My grandparents on their 61^st wedding anniversary.

Alain Badiou explains his views on love in an interview with Stuart Jeffries: “‘Everybody says love is about finding the person who is right for me and then everything will be fine. But it’s not like that. It involves work. An old man tells you this!’” (Jeffries 2012).  This type of “work,” of reassessing and muddling through to get to better times is often discussed by couples who have been in relationships or marriages lasting 20+ years.  Badiou argues that avoiding problems does not make them go away, which is what ultimately destroys many relationships.  Instead, couple must be willing to work through the difficult times: “‘That’s why I propose a new philosophy of love, wherein you can’t avoid problems or working to solve them’” (Jeffries 2012).  Further, Badiou stressed that conversations and joint decisions must occur over even the most mundane circumstances: “‘You have to resolve the problems in love – live together or not, to have a child or not, what one does in the evening’” (Jeffries 2012). 

My own grandparents have been married for sixty two years, which was the inspiration for my story ending with love among the aged.  They often discuss the need to work together for a marriage to last.  At my brother’s wedding reception, the DJ asked who had been married the longest and what advice they had for the couple.  My grandparents were crowned this couple, but were unsure what advice they could offer.  Deciding humor was his best option, my grandpa joked, “She’s the boss. Whatever she says is right. My answer is just, ‘I love you.’”  My grandma was a bit embarrassed that people might think she had ultimate control with a majority of power in the relationship.  She responded, “Oh, c’mon. You just have to talk to each other. No one can be right all the time. But you have to work together to make decisions. It’s a lot of working together.”  Impressed by his wife’s quick thinking and genuine response, he added, “There’s no secret to a perfect marriage, really. The secret is: it’s a lot of work. But you love each other and you do it together.”  In a single conversation, my grandparents reaffirmed for me Badiou’s notion that work is inherent in love relationships if you want them to last.   

A criticism of Badiou is that working through the relationship is always the best option.  I think what Badiou does not address is that there are circumstances where working through tough times may not be beneficial.  Two people who simply do not have the same end goals for their lives will never be happy together and may cause each other emotional damage while attempting to make the relationship work.  The more obvious issue of making a relationship work is in abusive relationships.  If the woman is constantly trying to make the relationship work but the man has no intention of reform, the relationship is simply detrimental to the woman.  Of course, this assumes that the man is the aggressor, the woman wants the relationship to last, and the man has no intention of changing; obviously, this is not always the case.  However, this example highlights my grandparents’ insight that both parties of the relationship must constantly work together.  I believe Badiou implies this, but he never explicitly states it.

Bibliography:

Jeffries, Stuart

2012    Alain Badiou: A Life in Writing. The Guardian. www.guardian.co.uk.